State of Paralysis

The air is smoke-filled with the breathing of a small crowd – seeming an actual presence. Lights pulsate across blank faces and their eyes are all shut. Shadows dance faster than the people. They slither and swerve across the walls in brilliant colours. My gaze tries to follow them but it is impossible. Here is where the light and dark coexist. I feel like it’s a mirror of my soul. Two halves of a whole that is neither good nor evil. The bodies are surrounded by each other and there is no sense of anything except that current moment. There is no such thing as the past and no feeling of the future.
Everything is lost except your thundering heartbeat thrumming to the rhythm of the vibrating music. The speakers shudder right behind you, trembling with the bass of a thousand zoned out youngsters. We are one, one body of drugged and drunken people. We are a conglomerate of weed worshippers. Our hair flies back and forth as our bodies twirl and spin. The floor seems fragile; the world is limited to that singular room. Vacant stares filled with haunted eyes. This is the sound of insanity. It fills your entire being with a madness that’s indescribable. The drink in your hand seems like it could have been given to you by Dionysus himself.
And I watch the way people react to each other. Those beautiful and yet undeniably dead smiles. The cheering and jeering is all just a result of intoxication. When the sun comes up and the headache surfaces I wonder what the point of the whole night was. Was it worth it? Did it make you feel whole? Kissing some stranger and melding and molding your body to his? Did it turn you on? Did it allow you to forget all your worries and troubles temporarily? But what happens when the lights fade, when they kill the switch – when the music is off and only silence remains? Is it enough for you to be sane? Can you live without that state of paralysis? Or is it dire for your survival to lose yourself among a ton of mindless people?
But these thoughts are too meaningful to be thought when there is music to dance to, strangers to kiss, weed to smoke and alcohol to drink. So I’ll drown everything in the now and try to forget that when the sun rises, nothing will have changed at all.

Undertones

It’s hard to pinpoint my thoughts

They drift – elusive and slippery

In a game of crosses and naughts

It is difficult to ascertain the enemy

 

Friends are so temporary

And time moves so quickly

I stumble, always two steps behind

Constantly questioning my brittle mind

 

Are these words even relevant?

How am I actually significant?

But there are no answers at all

And so I wait, sure of my downfall

 

The skies change every day

I stare at the moving clouds

Kicking stones and leaves out of my way

Wondering who would notice if i bowed down

 

Loneliness is a disease

It is embedded in my eyes

Hidden in the back of my knees

And the undertone of my “I’m fine”

 

But people are so afraid of the truth

They’d rather turn a blind eye than face the music

So I get away with murder

The reality slithering, a mere whisper

 

And I’ve been seated for too long

Trying to make the words make sense

Looking for everything that’s wrong

With my every sentence

 

I watch the world pass by

Never does it stop, not for anyone

And it makes me want to cry

Shed a little sorrow for once

 

Beauty is rampant everywhere

But often masked by harsh fear

Poverty dusts the streets

So we can no longer truly see

 

I block out my own pain

Erasing the feelings that drive me insane

It’s futile to dwell on the irreparable

Numbness, a feeling so contemptible

 

Disarmed

The words are in my bones

They keep me together when I am not whole

Like glue they bind me

Ever so silently residing

In the very confines of my design

 

Dreams are knotted within my head

They bleed out of me a little

Each time I take my pen to its slow death

The ink running over paper like fallen petals

And I can exhale another breath

 

My hands are crammed with sentences unshed

Every now and then they wish to be read

They seem to contain a thousand stories

Bursting with characters of yearning

Allowing my lifeblood to continue coursing

 

Through my vacant eyes you will see

All that describes me fundamentally

Dark, vivid and passionately wild

They are framed with lashes that seem to hide

ImageEverything that breeds in my incongruent mind

 

My lips always silently whisper

Many threats of love and desire

But most of the time I keep them closed

Unable to kiss anyone for fear of the fire

Which will result in the splintering of my repose

 

Once awakened the paper will be filled

Full of emotions I don’t comprehend

And I am terrified of the love in my soul

Scared that it will shatter me beyond control

Yet I cannot help but want it to burn away the cold

 

There is something between us

I sense it in our gazes that never meet

You long for that tormented brush

That neither one of us can forget

Even though it is undeniably tainted by regret

 

Every time I see you, I feel constricted inside

A tiny part of my being dies

That one moment tore me too much

And now all I do is remember your touch

That insane, burning feeling of lust

 

My blood runs with brilliance

So I am able to ignore you with resilience

But don’t underestimate the weakness of my façade

One day it will break

All that will be left are the shards

And my entire body disarmed

Fever-Fucked Fate

How easy it is to become disillusioned!

To lose track of everything except mere amusements

Become encompassed in a surreal world

Immersed in a life where worries are just unheard of

 

But above that mystical haze

Suddenly you become aware of the blaze

The truth burns you

Poison of reality

Like the perfect fool

You got lost in a fantasy

 

The bills still need to be paid

And uncertainties have reappeared

Coagulating in your mind like blood

Sharper than a shot piercing with a metallic stud

 

Money and partying began to rule your mind

With a sublime ignorance you let go of time

Nothing seemed to matter but yourself

Stupid girl, you never seem to understand

It is incorrigible to blame someone else

When you were the one who chose the label and brand

 

The mist of the life you dreamed about

Clouded your entire being

Blocked everything else out

Until the fallacy was what you believed

 

Walking around, gaze locked in beauty

You didn’t seem to sense that life was moving

Without you it rolled, like the roads you crossed

Eyes open, but your sight was embossed

Failing to see what was right in front of you

You allowed the sensations to instead cut through

 

It all seemed so blissfully pretty

That charmed way of living, its simplicity

Floating on that frivolous felicity

Now you crash – encased in complicity

 

Poor innocent child

How you let your imagination run wild

Now tormented by the cold actuality

You yearn to cry

To weep, to scream

Finally seeing it was all just a picturesque dream

 

The sky is filled with light, white fluff

Once more I want to be swayed by its bluff

That there is some hope out there

That all we have to do is listen and hear

But I have felt that fever-fucked blade

The one which elicits a flinching, forlorn fate

Shattered and Numb

I rubbed the eyeliner off my eyes

When I looked in the mirror

All I could see were the remnants of my disguise

This sad girl filled with terror

Shaking with fear that she’d lose it all

Lose the only thing that could save her from her downfall

 

So I’ll push away before you turn and leave

Tell myself it’s for the best and inside scream

This is not what I want, not what I need

But right now, you are just an untouchable dream

 

The tears are stuck in my soul

Yearning to be free from that wretched hole

But if I choose to let them go

All that will remain are jagged shards of blistering cold

 

So I’ll tell you that we need some space

Turn the other way so you won’t see my tormented face

And all the unblemished hurt and fragile pain

Will somehow be burnt and irrevocably flayed

 

I want to slash my wrists to feel something again

Need to break out of this numbed and shattered state

It’s filling me with a deep, bloody rain

And soaking me and drenching me through today

But now I realise all of this was futile anyway

Because the way I feel will never change

Scarred By Death

Death, oh how you have scarred me

More than the lines on my wrist

Deeper than the fragments of humanity

And more convoluted than a love tryst

Your corpse – that lifeless thing is on my mind

I cannot remember your voice

Or the way we spent together – all our time

I wonder if this was my choice

Or if God was playing some nasty joke

Attempting to see how much I could take

Before I gave up and choked

Fell to the floor in all my mistakes

Burning with the rage of self-betrayal

Not saying I love you is absolutely shameful

So as I sob with tears I’ve already shed

Inside my soul burns with a blood so red

I have myself in knots of unbearable dread

As once again I remember that you are merely dead

And cannot save me from my own torment.

Blackened Flower

black-rose-2

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Sometimes I feel like it makes the bond weaker.
When I return, I don’t know if everything will be the same
But I dread and fear that it may have changed.

You’re more than my other half and more than a sister.
When I shut my lids, it’s your voice I hear in a whisper.
There are dreams I have of the two of us
Filled with passionate embraces of lust

But I need to be realistic now
I am not the one you need anyhow
So I’ll pretty myself up when we go out
I’ll laugh with you but never let the words slip from my mouth

They’re on the tip of my tongue
The undercurrent in every word I speak
In my tight breaths that are wrung
From a soul tainted and ever so weak

Maybe you know of these feelings of mine
But never tell me of them, for it will be too divine
Knowledge is power
And you will wield it over me
Just like a blackened flower
You will colour me with soot – prettily